Re-writing autobiographical extracts, editing and improving them

2 February 2010

 

Read these passages and answer the questions that follow:

he looked like a turtle his little bald head with his oversized blazer, it looked like a home on his back!

What is effective about this image?

we seized every opportunity to get him back we didn’t care, we was going home after this and never to return to his lesson again so when he left the classroom to attend to a boy he sent out we all screwed up pieces of paper every scrap we could find and hid them on our laps when he entred into the classroom in a fierce mannor the leading boy yelled 1..2..3 and we all just fired aimed for that big head of his.

What is effective about this passage?

What could be improved?

Have a go at re-writing it, using different punctuation, sentence structures, perhaps adding extra images.

All of a sudden, there was a short grunting noise from the contraption and I moved a metre into the air, giving me a huge shock and my stomach turning inside my body. Almost instantly, the contraption silently and fully released it power, firing me into the air and crazy speeds. The speed at the start was so intense that I let go off the harness. I was alone in the sky, floating without the feeling of anything attached to me. The air rushed through my hair as I flew to the top and then plummeted back down to the ground, it was as if I was falling

What is effective about this passage?

What could be improved?

Have a go at re-writing it, using different punctuation, sentence structures, perhaps adding extra images.

If I’m honest my life is one big oxymoron. I’m constantly surrounded by either: friends, family, or even random strangers on the packed 346 bus home, yet I am always alone. How can this be? I hear you yell. I’m simply lost in thought at every possible moment, and all these thoughts are my own. Not yours. Mine. I’m not selfish or anything; I’m just pretty sure you can’t hear what’s going through my head right now. If you could, you would probably know more about me than I do, because sometimes even I can’t fathom out what I’m going on about my head.

 

What is effective about this passage?

What could be improved?

Have a go at re-writing it, using different punctuation, sentence structures, perhaps adding extra images.

 

 

Memories so far are largely dominated by the previous prime ministers call to our generation, “education, education, education!’ I personally have not found the emphasis particularly entertaining or particularly educational. As I suspect most teenagers have found the journey had been more one of boredom. In my case ‘education’ has been even more difficult to take than medication

 

What is effective about this passage?

What could be improved?

Have a go at re-writing it, using different punctuation, sentence structures, perhaps adding extra images.

 

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